thirty nine

 Hey.

Another year, another letter. 

You didn’t actually write last year, because you were in the midst of a super stellar months long depressive episode and you just … could not. The day just needed to pass. That’s okay. You’ve learned to let a lot of things be okay. With lots of therapy. How great is therapy? Life changing. Bless our therapist. No really. God bless our therapist. She calls you on your nonsense and makes you look hard at things and yet somehow still lifts you up and makes you feel so much better? She’s a wizard. 

Life in this phase is a dichotomy. It’s blurredly busy and at the same time can be so tiresomely boring. Over stimulating and numbingly mundane. You have realized, it’s a tough place to exist for you. People ask you “what are you up to these days?” and you freeze because- it’s everything. it’s nothing. Kids in various stages means a constant vigilance and a wide array of needs. But yet, their budding independence means you never know when to step in or step away. So you wait. And watch. And the moment you lose focus someone may fall down or need you and you may miss the mark. So you don’t. You don’t lose focus. You never stop watching. And worrying. And waiting. Keeping busy with busy work. The hamster wheel of dishes and meals and laundry and reminding children to brush their teeth. (Literally every night. How is it still a surprise?!) Always on call so you can be ready to assist for the bigger stunts. And the smaller pivots. If they want you. If they need you. But not too often, so they learn. Its confusing. It’s humbling.

Heavens, they really are so brilliant though. To study them shatters your heart. Each one a masterpiece worthy of hours of contemplation and joy and tears. It keeps you tethered. Where did they come from, these magnificent children of yours? They are more their own people every day and it’s both terrifying and thrilling. 

Learning that parent/child relationship and how it’s ever changing is expanding how you see your relationship with Heavenly Parents. I know, it’s a lot. Chill sometimes. 

Thirty nine is an odd age. This, them- has been your life, your whole life, for so long. So after this, then what? 

Talk to our therapist about it. 

love,

Chels 

ps

yah yes Jeff is still here, still the very best, still your favorite. too big, too much for a letter. walked you through it all. still does. he is our love. 

3five

Dear Chelsea, 

Once again, it’s your birthday. 35! 35? Ohhhhkay. This year has gone by more quickly than ever. Everyone says time speeds up as you get older, and they were right. The only exception being the entire month of July. July was long and hot and irritable and felt like a year in and of itself. But other than that, whoosh. The school year just started. The first day of school brings mostly relief, and excitement. But there is always the “first day of school” pictures that are undeniable evidence that your kids are another year older. A consistent marking of the passage of time. And it hurts. That slice of their life captured in a few snaps of the camera, and you get that feeling like you are already looking back on the moment from future days. Another thing people always say is that you’ll miss these days. And you will. You know you will. But you have to be able to look forward to the future or it would destroy you. So you let it sting. It hurts, like living nostalgia. But the glow around that ache is the pure thrill from witnessing these human lives. It is a blessing and a privilege, truly. 

As your birthday approached you thought about this letter. Wondering what to say, and if it was even worth writing another year. So many things you have wanted to accomplish but haven’t yet. It feels a little embarrassing. A postponed list of boxes unchecked. Learn another language. Be published somewhere. Take up cello. Read all the books on a best classic American novels list. Go to Europe with your husband. But one of the benefits of being 35, is that you can feel inadequate, examine it, and try again. Now, a list of things less easily defined or quantified, accomplished. Learning the language of each individual child. Writing poems in an app on your phone. Being thrilled to hear Petra play the flute, and Rilla the ukulele. Having four children who love books. Supporting a husband with a time consuming job with lots of travel. Learning to love a body drastically different to the one you got married in. Maintaining relationships that are important to you. Having a happy, loving, fun, wonderful marriage. Learning how your testimony best grows. And loving your Savior, Jesus Christ. And so forth. And so on. So maybe the list is not so much a list as a beautiful life, in progress, eh? 

On that pretty nearly pretentious note, let’s admit that you have your vices. Caffeine, in the form of Crystal Light energy, thanks to a medication you are on short-term that makes carbonation a no-go. (Diet Coke, you’ll always be the one. You’ll find your way back to each other!) Television, lately in the form of Schitt’s Creek. (David Rose, you’re simply the best. If you know you knoooow.) An endless search for the perfect sunnies for your round cheeks makes the very large collection you have acquired a secret shame. (Currently awaiting another pair to arrive in the mail. What are you gonna do.) Lizzo. “Truth Hurts” on repeat. (And “Juice”. And “Good As Hell”.) Online shopping even though you KNOW it makes you the most basic of basic housewives. (You really don’t care if your mail lady hates you, and she really does.) Last but not least, swears. A well used swear just sends a thrill up your spine. (Sorry mom!) 

It has been a long year, a good year, a hard year, and a blessed year. Happy Birthday old girl. Enjoy your day, your cake, and your daily nap. 

Love, Chels

four and thirty

Dear Chelsea,

Happy Birthday. Thirty four isn’t nearly as fun to say as thirty three, but alas, here we are anyway. This birthday will pass with little fanfare. Jeff is traveling yet again. The kids have school. The house is a mess because you were gone all evening at a back-to-school night and missed your nightly clean-up. You chose debriefing with Petra about middle school instead. You will drive carpool, wash dishes, pack lunches, and vacuum the smashed crackers from the rug. You will share the cake you made for yourself with your kids. Petra offered to make it for you and while she is an excellent baker, she is not so excellent at the cleaning up part and this seemed easier. She will attempt to make the day good for you in some other way, if she can. Rilla will offer you hugs and birthday wishes and kisses. Lars will tackle you in what is his version of a hug, tell you you are the best, immediately followed by “I’m hungry.” Amos won’t know the difference but he will enjoy everyone’s enthusiasm. While you have trouble seeing yourself, feeling like a faded picture of someone you used to know, to them, you are an image burning bright into their memories. A figure that will shape the stories they tell and the way they relate to the world. A two dimensional character of their childhood. And so you let them sing to you, and ask you what you wished for. You will let them see you smile and accept your age without hesitation or shame because your daughters need to know that aging is a privilege. You will let your sons climb all over you begging for more cake, negotiating just a little more with a sugar high written all over their faces. You will internally debate the benefits of allowing relaxed indulgence when celebrating and sticking to reasonable expectations to prepare them for life. That’s a lot to put on cake, by the way, but you know that. Once they’ve had cake they will get distracted by this or that, and you will wash more dishes. This birthday will pass with little fanfare, and that’s alright. I don’t think thirty four is really going to be about you, anyway.

Sincerely yours,
Chels

33 is fun to say

Sup, girl.

It's your birthday again! You've got this down to an art. McDs Diet Coke, free gift from Ulta, take out, and guilt-free indulgence with something good on TV. This year is especially good because Lars started school (finally! *celebratory dance*) and with Amos napping... uninterrupted chill. 

This year has been weird. You are lonely. It's amazingly difficult to cultivate and nurture new, in person, relationships as an adult. Your family and friends lives keep happening without you (rude). Your wonderful, funny, best friend of a husband works hard, long hours and travels. This, combined with the invisible nature of motherhood, can make a girl feel insignificant. To be the whole world to herd of small humans and simultaneously be wholly under-appreciated is depleting, exhausting. None of this is a new story. In fact, it's the same ol' story. You really are the most basic. You'd like to submit the following evidence to support this theory- you rely heavily on Diet Coke, freaking love Target, cope with your husband's extensive work hours by shopping online, and buy quality makeup but rarely wear it because who has time with a clamoring toddler at your feet? Basically you have become the most typical of stay-at-home stereotypes. And it's only a little depressing. 

Then there's the fact that your last baby turned one this year. This gave you a major existential crises. If you are not making babies what are you doing? You know a woman's worth is not tied up in making babies. It's not about that. It's about what you spent your entire 20s doing and now you can't see what road to take. Were you supposed to develop a hobby or skill along the way?! Because besides being able to change a diaper without gagging and unload a dishwasher in under 5 min, you forgot to do that.

But man, is it good to take the bad and ride it out, still appreciating the good. Genuine happiness built into every day. Being in your 30s is cool like that. You may not know what all the latest acronyms or hippest abbreviations are, but you also don't have to worry about caring *too* much about running errands in my house dress. You can also scream silently in your head while simultaneously troubleshooting your toddlers latest tantrum, so.

You are middleish-age. Young enough to take selfies and old enough to know better than to post *too* many. Young enough to watch E! News but old enough to only know about half of who the celebrities are. Young enough to know how to work a DVR and old enough to pay for cable. It's really not a bad place to be. 

Happy Birthday, you! 

love,
Chels 

32yo

dear chelsea, 

in the weeks leading up to your birthday you start to think about this letter. phrases form and words bob to the surface of the vast splashing chaos that is your mind these days. you dust off the mental typewriter and ping plunk click out a few ideas. does it even matter? does anybody read this any more? yet, it's something you look forward to. and so, you continue. 

there are so many things going on at any given moment that the stress, worry, joy, discontent, gratitude have just become one in the same. white noise is the soundtrack to your life. you had a baby. a son. he has brought with him light and sweetness. and in the same breath exhaustion, depression, deafening anxiety. how can both be true? everything is tangled. you understand more now than you ever have. how can both be true? it's a strange place to sit in. to look at what you don't know and make a place for it. and wait. wait until it becomes clear or unimportant. 

you are 32 and it feels very good. you are 32 and it seems impossible. there is something hilarious in the bizarre fact that the world has kept turning and there is a generation of people who do not understand where you came from. it's like a secret you share with your contemporaries and you all get a good laugh out of "the kids these days." 

you are happy and unhappy. you are lonely and content. you are healthy and in pain. you love words yet sometimes think in emoji's. you are just the looniest, girl! 

the beauty of it all is that the more you accept these contradictions in yourself, the easier it is to accept them in others. and that's something. 

happy birthday, go watch and/or eat something. let's go with "and."

love,

chels

p.s. you have a massive crush on jeff. his greying temples are like {heart eye emoji}. 

31

dear chelsea,

well shoot. has it been a year already? you are now 31. this birthday doesn't feel very big. I guess 30 feels big and then 31 is just ... 31. plus, as a grown up your birthdays are not that exciting. you asked for a clean house for your birthday and the family cleaning bath tubs and vacuuming together well, that will be quite satisfying actually. not very exciting, but satisfying. happy birthday to you!

you have been in fort collins for a year now, and you really like it here. you like your house, your neighborhood, your ward, the kids school ... all of it. you have easy access to target, costco and you recently got access to walmart grocery delivery which saved your summer. like, saved it. taking three kids to walmart once a week last summer was rough stuff. maybe that stuff seems petty but convenience is important to you and we have accepted that. we like to think that means you work smarter rather than harder but it probably just means you are a little lazy. oh well. living in fort collins we can take drives into the mountains and walks around the neighborhood in the cooler evenings. it is a beautiful and easy place to live and when it comes to raising your kids here you are quite happy with this place.

those kids of yours are something else. with the start of another school year suddenly they look so much older. they are learning so much it is difficult to keep up. they each have their "things" you worry and watch over. but they often surprise you with how capable they can be. oh, how you love them. it is a tricky balance, learning when to step in and when to step away. motherhood is thousands of small letting-gos and hundreds of little bonds built. and apologies. you hope your apologies make up for the missteps along the way because there have and will be many.

you aren't alone. your husband is here with you and he never let's you fall. he is a great dad and you guys make a good team. you are very grateful to have a partner in this parenting thing. it is a blessing you sometimes take for granted. making a life together, well, that is pretty romantic. someone who sees you at your most human and still smiles at you? that is the stuff, man. he also makes you laugh daily and the adage to marry your best friend is really some of the best advice out there. it is helpful that he is oh so very handsome. oh boy, is he attractive. it is a little annoying, how he gets better with age while you feel susceptible to the doubts that come with being a woman who is getting older. what is that about anyway? you know better, but somehow, sometimes, all the things you *should* be gets to you. maybe that will never change. maybe you will never appreciate fully who you are in the moment until it's passed. let's just appreciate thirty-one year old chelsea for who she is because people seem to like her okay and so should you. deal? deal.

here is to another year. may it be simple and happy and boring.

sincerely yours,
chelsea. r. stock

three decades

hey chels!

it is your biiiirthday. hey-o. big plans. big big plans today. pizza with the family because you, you are wild and crazy. you might even let the kids pick out their own dessert. what? calm down. you are a grown up now!

so, another year, another move. last year you had no idea where you were going to be on this birthday, and after a lot of thinking and exploring and praying, here we are. where is here? beautiful fort collins, colorado. and it is good. the people are good. the town is good. but the best part is your home. your home! you bought a home, never getting to visit it in person before you bought it. but it turned out just fine. more than fine. this home is perfect for where we are right now. it has a view of the distant front range mountains from your back window. the excellent elementary school is just a short walk from your door. go the other way and a Holy Temple is being built.  you have dreamed of owning your own home for so long. it is finally the time. you got to paint your walls white (a dream!) and now they sit waiting to be filled with the warmth of things you love. (no pressure?) you can't wait to show it too your family and welcome visitors. the best part of the location is it is a doable destination for your immediate family. you have missed them all these years and the idea that you could host them comfortably is a dream realized. they are such great company, and you are thrilled at the idea of returning some of the hospitality they have extended you over the years. you will do very well here. yes. very well indeed.

as much as you like where you have landed. it is hard not to shake the feeling that it could all be short lived. another move could be just around the corner. but as far as you can tell, you are here for the foreseeable future. so try not to think about it. your time in boston taught you to make the most of your time wherever you are. there are things to be learned in every culture,  every part of the country, every way of life. you think here it will be friendliness. fort collins is incredibly friendly. almost shockingly friendly. rilla fits right in.

you miss boston. you miss harvard business school. you just do. you miss those brick buildings and running along the charles. the east coast has a charm and feeling of belonging to an exclusive club. you have been having dreams of harvard square and downtown boston. sometimes as you drift off, instead of stepping off curbs, you are walking around campus. before you left you took many slow walks staring at your surroundings just to cement it in your mind. you are glad you did because you can picture the details with great fondness. it was a blessing of an experience. it changed you. your world view grew so much. you realized that good people value you. and you value those good people. oh, the friends you made. dear, good, people that you miss seeing on the daily. you will never let these friends go. they are important to you and you cant't wait to see what they do with their lives! what a great time it was and you will always be grateful for it.

speaking of friends, you got some good ones. the older you get, the more you can appreciate the women your childhood friends have become. these ladies are something else. strong, capable, hilarious, caring women. bah. thinking of them makes you teary, you big baby. what hard things they have all survived. more than survived. overcome. conquered. you love them so. plus they make the BEST dirty jokes, so, yah.

now let's talk about the number. thirty. you are thirty years old. you are thirty. years. old. ten years ago you were taking classes at mesa community college, working at pete's fish and chips, and hanging out with friends and jeff stock, not yet knowing that he was the one. so much has changed since then, mostly for the better. you are thirty years old with a husband you are in love with, three children you are also in love with, and a home. over all you are all happy and healthy. take that blessing in for a second. in this snapshot of time, all is well. all is well. life is never perfect, but this is pretty close. what an amazing birthday gift. (but seriously fool, appreciate it.)

how are you? still figuring things out, but getting more comfortable with the fact that you will probably never have it all figured out. you have long blonde hair, plenty of curves (like boomerangs or homing pigeons, they always find their way back) and the start of some wrinkles. so that is pretty cool, you guess. so maybe you've lost yourself a little bit too, though. you still don't really read any more, or write much. oops. keep trying to find that. study your religion more. it surrounds you, it is the reason for your truest happiness. shouldn't you make it your mission to know more? another benefit of boston was meeting passionate people of all religions. their passion inspired you. don't lose that momentum. on an unrelated note, you are also greatly looking forward to your favorite time of year, the fall premieres of all your favorite shows, and the new ones! of all the great things about this year, the very best just might be the tv with dvr in your bedroom that you can watch from your new king sized bed. sweet, sweet television time. by the way, you should probably eat more vegetables? just a thought maybe.

stay cool, kid.

xoxo,
chels

and now a medley of selfies for your viewing pleasure!

"nothing says class like trash"

*untitled*

"i don't care if you are birthday selfie-ing, read me a dang story."

"what am I even doing right now?"