prerogative.

our new church building is quite large. not only is the building new to us, but it is newly built. it is multileveled with elevators and a parking garage. a parking garage! it took us three tries to find the right floor, with our chapel. I love that we are on the second floor and when I am changing my third diaper in two hours, I can see tree tops and the buildings of Cambridge.

I learned some things today, too. tucked a few seeds in my soil for further tending.


.....


this place is really growing on me. getting out of the apartment (which is coming together!) always reminds me of how blessed we are to be here. It speaks to me in a way I have never known, and every time I drive along the river, or walk across a bridge, or see a building erected in 1904, I thrill to my toes. and all I have to do to experience these things is step out of my front door.

it's hard to dance

The business that is our life has been gaining momentum. There has been an onslaught of bills, appointments, paper work and general to-do's. Getting ready to move across the country, start b-school, and end all income is like a train rushing toward me. It keeps getting louder and brighter as it screams full steam ahead. I know it won't do me under, but it still makes my heart race and my head throb.  We have eight weeks left here and it kind of blows my mind. There is so much to do and so little time! I wish I had a little less to do and a little more time to spend with the people I am going to miss so much. 

petra, keepin' it real.

don't ever worry

Yesterday I read this after seeing it pop up a few times in my Facebook newsfeed. I really appreciate the idea of making sure my children know they matter, more than whatever is on my phone, more than anything, really.

Today I did a little better, they seemed a little brighter and we were a little happier.

just let me

I am part of an online writing workshop. This is my first submission for the first assignment, "time."

Time, to me, is like a pendulum. Most of the time I live in the moment of now. Where the pendulum is at its lowest point, heavy and working towards the next push of forward or backward. My head is down and I am taking it all in. Experiencing the day, imprinting it in my memory.

Then there are the moments where I am thrust into the future. There is a rush and suddenly I am experiencing all the stress and worry and excitement of what is to come. I take in the view from on high, when for a brief time I am suspended in the air, trying to see what will be. It is a breathless feeling, both exhilarating and terrifying, like the point of a roller coaster ride before you fall. Then I do and I am falling back into now and I am working and I am heavy and the day goes on.

Amidst the heaviness of the day something reminds me of what used to be and I am pulled backward into the past. Yanked up into a memory, and the feelings of a memory. There is pain there. Pain because of things that were hard to live, and pain because of things that were lived and now I miss. Pain too, because some things were lived and loved so much it burns to try and carry that much love. There is joy, too. Joy and laughter in the lighter things I can remember. The view from here is a kaleidoscope, always mixed and turning. The constantly moving view always gives me new perspective to bring back down to the working hours, changing how I live them.

Then I am living them again. Storing all those imprinted moments to view in the backswing, to project on the upswing. The sun rises and sets and I swing, back and forth. Just like the pendulum.

here, you can be anything

My favorite part of the morning is opening up the curtains on all the windows. I don't really feel like I can breathe until I can let in the cloud-filtered, rain-soaked sunlight. Only then do I feel like the day has actually begun. There is always some surprise out there. Squirrels, sometimes snow, but most often it is skies that are slightly grey and leaky. 


This week I have started getting up an hour or two before the kids so I can get in a workout and a shower before the day gets hectic. I forgot how nice it is to not start the day running, instead getting to warm up on my own time. To pray in silence, instead of having to pray in the bathroom for privacy while little voices call out my name. Not to say that you can't pray anywhere, anytime, but sometimes I can't hear my own thoughts, let alone those given to me. 

what are your weaknesses

emo look-away technique, or watching the neighbor kids run across my lawn? I'll never tell.

This was my friend-date night ensemble I wore to see the Hunger Games with my friend Emily. Over all I thought the movie was quite excellent, actually. Different than I had imagined in my head, but interpreted beautifully. I do not, however,  like how they cut out Madge giving her the Mockingjay pin. Unnecessary. And I really am still not sure Jennifer Lawrence would be my first choice for Katniss (she kinda had the same look on her face the entire movie.) But I still really, really enjoyed it. And let's be honest, any chance I get to go out with Em, eat pizza, talk shop, and eat movie snacks is going to be a pretty excellent time, regardless of the motion picture. 

and unto them

not in pig latin

something about the end of a pregnancy makes me daydream about new pretty things.  I make-believe a future where I can pull off any look I please, simply because I am no longer pregnant. 


and I wear things like


this


or these, in coral


or these*, in whiskey


or this, in tobacco 


and maybe, just maybe, even this


and these too.  


also, if I could just have zooey deschanel's entire wardrobe in "new girl" that would be lovely. 




*this link isn't working correctly. heels and wedges, second row, fourth over. second to none. 

boo.

halloween '11; spooky witch and cinderella

I am a mixed bag of emotions these days. 

I can simultaneously be overwhelmed with the love and joy of my growing babe, and frustrated to tears with the pain and exhaustion of my heavy belly. 

I keep going back and forth between resigning myself to not being able to do it all, and que sera, sera, to feeling pressure and stress and panic about having a huge to-do list and the lack of energy and capability to complete it all. 

sometimes I can't wait to introduce the girls to their baby brother, and give jeff his son to hold. other times I am so afraid of adding a newborn to my brood of two small children. 

I am calm, peace-filled, and restful one moment, and I am irritated, nervous, and tired the next. 

and then I feel like crying because I am such a crazy person. 

I guess the bright side is, little son will come eventually, regardless of what I do. time goes on and situations change and that is the nature of things. 

self-indulgent

somewhere off the oregon coast

some thoughts for the moment.

:: it is easier for skinny people to find things to wear. it just is. this is the point of my pregnancy that I fantasize about real person clothes. and not dressing a series of orbs. (note, not pregnant I am still not thin. but still.)

:: I canceled my next doctors appointment just because I didn't feel like going. I feel empowered. 

:: hubs is super handsome. 

:: I have been hovering between sick and not sick for about three days now. I am convinced the only reason I haven't developed a full blown sinus infection is because of sheer will power and positive thinking. I will not miss my baby shower! 

:: people are very generous. and throw you baby showers even if it is your third baby. and buy your gifts. 

:: I need to be more generous.

:: a skill would be very nice. one that I could use to repay these generous people. maybe I could learn to knit. I love yarn. I want to make this. 

:: I feel ready to give birth, but very not ready to have a newborn. the first six weeks postpartum kind of terrify me. 

:: I have pregnancy brain. and pregnancy on the brain. I am constantly forgetting things, misspeaking, mixing things up. and my head sounds like this: me me pregnant me me heartburn me baby me hips hurt me nursery me to do list me me back pain me baby pregnant me. 

:: I should really be more generous. and selfless. 

:: little son. he moves so much. it is distracting and yet comforting. we can't wait to meet him. I bet he is deliciously cute. 

:: big bags of halloween candy are awesome. I love variety. 

and I'll never forget how that black dress

is that a heart? how surprising and sweet...

I get a little hormotional* when I'm pregnant. couple that with the end of summer boredom, and it has been a long couple of weeks for all of us. so this saturday jeff insisted we call a sitter and get out the house for a while. I think the girls needed a break from us as much as we needed a break from them, from the way they waved us off as soon as the sitter got there. we got dressed up, tried to take some hipster couple pics, (we didn't make it past the test shot, my purple blouse over my baby bump was too reminiscent of violet beauregarde) and we were out the door. 


I made jeff take me to a fancy restaurant in bellevue. I mean, we made reservations. it was beautiful. we chatted and absorbed the atmosphere and I professed my undying love ... of the upcoming television fall line up. the food was oh so delicious. and tiny. 




so right after dinner we went to dairy queen and got fries and ice-cream. dairy queen doesn't take reservations, but they sure know their way around a chocolate malt. it was a perfect night.




*hormotional :  an emotional state fueled or exaggerated by hormones. 

seven & twenty

dear chelsea,


today you are twenty seven. or, as it translates in your head, thirty minus three. does that mean you can call yourself a woman now? you are still married, even if there is no wedding ring on your finger at the moment. it is put safely away thanks to puffy pregnant fingers because oh yah, you got knocked up this year too (surprise!) you are getting a boy this time though, and by golly if you don't just love him already. even if he does kick you day and night. you are growing your hair out, trying to get it long enough for a messy top knot. you want to be cool just that bad. your favorite past time is dinner and a movie in with jeff, which really says a lot about this stage of your life. you are getting good at saying "no" to things. or you could say, you are getting great at avoiding things you don't want to do. so either you are learning more about yourself and your limits, or avoiding  uncomfortable growth. you are not really sure which. either way you are calling more of your own shots. your girl-friends are coming in four weeks and you can hardly stand the wait. they still make you laugh harder than anyone else can. you still love a good book, a good show, and a good chat with a good friend. and a good text conversation with your b.f.f. nelly will always make your day. 


your past year was fairly even keel. it was a "shoulder to the wheel, push along" kind of year. a lot about mothering. about being a wife. seeing yourself as a matriarch. working hard to slowly improve. you have thought long and hard about your petra. she is so special, and so tender. when to help, and when to let her learn? you are just waiting to see what the worry will be for rilla. she wears her heart on her sleeve. she is easy to read, and is so willingly loved. motherhood is this ever changing beast. it makes you hurt. your hardest work is when you feel you know the least. it makes you swell and burst in the glow of it all. if you give it all of you it will destroy you. if you leave anything back, you will tear yourself apart. there may be nothing else to do but be incinerated, and be made something new. motherhood is only part of the woman, whole. you get that. but you can't help but fear that if you don't pull from every part of you, any failure would haunt you. in the midst of all this thought your days have been filled with the glorious mundane, and you are grateful for it. a chapter of sun. after last year, it was much welcomed. 


and then, there is jeff. oh, jeff. speaking of being a woman, whole, you are his wife. and you love it. you love him. this year you have started to see it is not the frantic love of your youth, but a deep even burn of a love. it carries an excitement all it's own. you are so happy together. you have worked for it, you both have earned it. he is more handsome with every passing year. you are powerless to fight it. but why would you? 


this coming year is one of change. a new baby, a possible move. plenty of preparation and adjusting. it is unsettling and exciting to you all at the same time. 


make yourself some cake. because if there is one benefit to being knocked-up, it is that no one is going to deny you cake. 

in all sincerity, 

chelsea 

entitled :: "maternal or what?"

proper introductions.

why hello there!


I moved! blogs that is. 


after a much longer than intended break from the blogosphere, I have decided to make my re-entry in a new place. startin' fresh. clean bean. no, that is not an actual expression. 


allow me to [re]introduce myself.


my name is chelsea. I am a twenty-six year old wife and mother currently residing in the northwest. I suck at self portraits, and can't believe that is what my nose really looks like??  

let me introduce the rest of the players. 


this is the hubs. also known as jeff. he is twenty-eight and the love of my life. he is our resident super-hero, and keeps his secret identity by working a normal 9-5er. but you can keep a secret, right? 

meet petra. she is four nearly five. she loves all thing girl, including her "rapunzel" hair. she is a sensitive little soul, and wears her heart on her sleeve. 

say hello to rilla. she is two. she is delicious. she can speak her mind rather well, and is only slightly hindered by a little "listhp." she has a head full of curls and dimpled elbows. she wants anything her sister has, and is charming beyond resistance.

this is son. baby brother. the bump. he is due to make an appearance sometime late november early december. he is a night owl that likes to kick his mothers bladder. he is loved already, the little bladder-kicker. 

my hope and dreams for this little blog are simple. practice my craft, share my observations and thoughts, and let my loved ones know how our little blooming family is doing. welcome!




*curious about the previous blog? a link is set-up under "the former" on the side.