three decades

hey chels!

it is your biiiirthday. hey-o. big plans. big big plans today. pizza with the family because you, you are wild and crazy. you might even let the kids pick out their own dessert. what? calm down. you are a grown up now!

so, another year, another move. last year you had no idea where you were going to be on this birthday, and after a lot of thinking and exploring and praying, here we are. where is here? beautiful fort collins, colorado. and it is good. the people are good. the town is good. but the best part is your home. your home! you bought a home, never getting to visit it in person before you bought it. but it turned out just fine. more than fine. this home is perfect for where we are right now. it has a view of the distant front range mountains from your back window. the excellent elementary school is just a short walk from your door. go the other way and a Holy Temple is being built.  you have dreamed of owning your own home for so long. it is finally the time. you got to paint your walls white (a dream!) and now they sit waiting to be filled with the warmth of things you love. (no pressure?) you can't wait to show it too your family and welcome visitors. the best part of the location is it is a doable destination for your immediate family. you have missed them all these years and the idea that you could host them comfortably is a dream realized. they are such great company, and you are thrilled at the idea of returning some of the hospitality they have extended you over the years. you will do very well here. yes. very well indeed.

as much as you like where you have landed. it is hard not to shake the feeling that it could all be short lived. another move could be just around the corner. but as far as you can tell, you are here for the foreseeable future. so try not to think about it. your time in boston taught you to make the most of your time wherever you are. there are things to be learned in every culture,  every part of the country, every way of life. you think here it will be friendliness. fort collins is incredibly friendly. almost shockingly friendly. rilla fits right in.

you miss boston. you miss harvard business school. you just do. you miss those brick buildings and running along the charles. the east coast has a charm and feeling of belonging to an exclusive club. you have been having dreams of harvard square and downtown boston. sometimes as you drift off, instead of stepping off curbs, you are walking around campus. before you left you took many slow walks staring at your surroundings just to cement it in your mind. you are glad you did because you can picture the details with great fondness. it was a blessing of an experience. it changed you. your world view grew so much. you realized that good people value you. and you value those good people. oh, the friends you made. dear, good, people that you miss seeing on the daily. you will never let these friends go. they are important to you and you cant't wait to see what they do with their lives! what a great time it was and you will always be grateful for it.

speaking of friends, you got some good ones. the older you get, the more you can appreciate the women your childhood friends have become. these ladies are something else. strong, capable, hilarious, caring women. bah. thinking of them makes you teary, you big baby. what hard things they have all survived. more than survived. overcome. conquered. you love them so. plus they make the BEST dirty jokes, so, yah.

now let's talk about the number. thirty. you are thirty years old. you are thirty. years. old. ten years ago you were taking classes at mesa community college, working at pete's fish and chips, and hanging out with friends and jeff stock, not yet knowing that he was the one. so much has changed since then, mostly for the better. you are thirty years old with a husband you are in love with, three children you are also in love with, and a home. over all you are all happy and healthy. take that blessing in for a second. in this snapshot of time, all is well. all is well. life is never perfect, but this is pretty close. what an amazing birthday gift. (but seriously fool, appreciate it.)

how are you? still figuring things out, but getting more comfortable with the fact that you will probably never have it all figured out. you have long blonde hair, plenty of curves (like boomerangs or homing pigeons, they always find their way back) and the start of some wrinkles. so that is pretty cool, you guess. so maybe you've lost yourself a little bit too, though. you still don't really read any more, or write much. oops. keep trying to find that. study your religion more. it surrounds you, it is the reason for your truest happiness. shouldn't you make it your mission to know more? another benefit of boston was meeting passionate people of all religions. their passion inspired you. don't lose that momentum. on an unrelated note, you are also greatly looking forward to your favorite time of year, the fall premieres of all your favorite shows, and the new ones! of all the great things about this year, the very best just might be the tv with dvr in your bedroom that you can watch from your new king sized bed. sweet, sweet television time. by the way, you should probably eat more vegetables? just a thought maybe.

stay cool, kid.

xoxo,
chels

and now a medley of selfies for your viewing pleasure!

"nothing says class like trash"

*untitled*

"i don't care if you are birthday selfie-ing, read me a dang story."

"what am I even doing right now?"

nine and twenty!

dearest chelsea. 

oh girl. you are finally here. your GOLDEN birthday. turning 29 on august the 29th. you've been dreaming of this day since jade's twelfth golden birthday with the limousine. and your amazing, understanding husband hooked. you. up. a night away, alone, in downtown boston. right now you are chillin' in a giant hotel bed with no one but the voices in your head. it's exactly what you dreamed of all year long. your life is busy. and happy. and noisy. some quiet reflective solitude is a luxury without price. this city is dreamy and you get to explore some of it on your own! geez, this is a birthday for the ages. you are spoiled. 

moving on. let me see, what has happened this past year. Jeff completed his first year of business school, and it was busy. so busy. he had homework and projects and even took a two week school trip to south africa. then you picked up and moved go michigan for a summer internship. see? busy. but it also was a crazy amount of fun.  it surprised you, how fast you bonded with your new friends. but it was a good surprise. and although come spring you will all be scattered in wind, you have a few friends for life. and that feels good. 

speaking of spring, the thought of it brings both excitement and all sorts of anxiety. as of now, you have a few options of where you will be post school. none of which are mesa. this is a bit of a sting. you always knew the odds were low, but there was that part of you that hoped against hope that you would get to move home after school. but when it became clear that is not the case, you mourned. and then panicked. and now, you are sad, but have found peace. and maybe even a little bit of your very small adventurous side. after all, boston has turned out to be wonderful, right? right? it'll be okay. I promise. 

the older you get, and the more established your family gets, the more you realize your home is where they are. if jeff, petra, rilla, and lars are there, that's where you wanna be. (except for tonight, obvi. that's for you, girl!) jeff turned 30 this year, and isn't he just handsome. he works so hard for you. don't forget to recognize and appreciate that. petra is sweet and capable and often you forget how young she is. don't forget and don't rush her. rilla is hilarious and bold, but don't forget she is so very tender and if you say "I'm gonna just leave you here if you don't get your shoes on right his minute" she will believe you and crumble into a ball of tears. lars. oh lars. he's all boy, and ball with daddy is his favorite. don't forget to give him the attention he needs. he needs you to help him be gentle and soft. 

and what about you, oh chelsea? this year you pushed yourself to be social. and it paid off. you relearned the joy of summer vacation. you let you hair grow longer. you started practicing your make up skillz, and some days it actually looks pretty alright. you tried your best to nurture your family. spiritually and nutritionally. heads up, lots of room for improvement on both accounts. you realized how much fun your kids are to be around. you still like to workout, and you still like to eat. it's been a year of figuring out the balance of both. you love to be funny. someone tells you you're funny and you feel what you imagine to be fairly similar to how a puppy feels getting a pet on the head. jeff is still your favorite person to make laugh, because he is the hard get. but alas, you are seriously tired all the time, and making jokes requires brain cells. get some sleep and make more people laugh. 

enjoy the next year chels. you have some amazing things coming up, and it'll go by quickly. 

happy golden! birthday chels. you are actually really starting to like you. 

faithfully yours,

chels

ha! look at you taking yourself so seriously. 

p.s. last years letter here -> http://cstockwrite.blogspot.com/2012/08/2122.html?m=1

broke'm

I ordered some new workout leggings online. When they arrived I tried them on, and they were so wonderfully comfortable I decided to wear them for the rest of the day. Then I ate a cookie. Then I took a nap. I think they are broken.

my so called life

I took Lars to his nine month well check a couple of days ago. The timing of his appointment worked out with Jeff's class schedule so that I could leave the girls and just take Lars. (small perk of living on campus for b.school) I packed him up and walked to Harvard Square for his appointment.

Now, I am not sure exactly what I was expecting, but when you hear Harvard University Health Services ... you know. It's Harvard! What I was not expecting was to walk in to 1994. The office was decorated in thin plastic gold frames pictures and teddy bear picnic wall decals. Fluorescent lights. I got a variety of photo copied hand outs. Some from books. From books! They had Sesame Street stickers. (Have they not heard of Yo Gabba Gabba??) The doctor was an older lady with her hair in a banana clip, wearing cream tights with cream loafers and a calf length floral dress. It was kind of hilarious. Luckily, she actually seemed to know what she was talking about and she personally administered his flu shot. She was pretty quick with the needle too. And I appreciated that.

The walk alone with my boy was lovely, but the time travel was even better.

I was a little girl alone in my little world

rilla is a complicated individual. 

"I don't wanna go to preschool."

"I am so excited to go to preschool!"

she started preschool this week, a small class we put together on campus, and in a matter on moments, she went from an absolute refusal to go, to sheer bliss at the thought of being a preschool student with her friends. then on the walk over, she kicked off her shoes and sat on the ground and refused to go inside. then when I came to pick her up, the moment she caught a glimpse of my face she screamed, I mean screamed, "I WILL NOT GO HOME WITH YOU I WANT TO KEEP PLAYING!" 

she didn't speak to me for about five whole minutes after I made her leave. until I told her that she could go back on wednesday, and she then proceeded to tell me all about school and I was the best mommy ever. 

rilla as a thirteen year old is going to be really interesting. 

2(12+2)

dear chels,

hey, it's your birthday again! another year gone by. dude, this one was a doozy, wasn't it? you had a baby, packed up your life in washington, moved across the country, and started jeff in business school just this week. you are exhausted just thinking about it. having a third baby was kind of rough in itself. changing the ratio from 2:2 to 2:3 was difficult for you, not too mention those post-partum hormones combined with the nightmare that was trying to breastfeed. those six weeks felt like drowning in the ocean and barely making it to shore on your last breath. the only bright spot was that sweet lars-son. he  is so darling and sweet and always good for a smile. he was worth the fight, and you can't imagine your  family without him. no matter how crazy it (still) is.  

you made the move to boston just weeks ago, and you still miss your life in washington terribly. it took time, but you really learned to love it there and leaving it behind was sort of tough. you also miss a few dear friends something awful. just getting here was quite the task. moving across the country is as monumental as it seems. but upon arrival you realized that so many others made the same move you did, and are starting over like you, and you are really enjoying getting to know all these new, amazing people that surround you. it can be kind of intimidating, all these smart, educated people (you are at harvard) and sometimes it weighs you down. you still tend to compare yourself to others, even though you know better, and it can make you feel small. try not to let it get to you, and remember what jade said ... "own it!" 

...

there is something bothering you about this birthday, this number. it was a five days after her 28th birthday that your sister ashley died. and five days from now and every day after that will be another day you lived longer than she did. it is hard to fathom and it makes you really sad. all these changes are more things you never got to share with her. you don't want to get older than your big sister, experience more life than she did. it feels wrong. you love and miss her so. 

...

but life does go on, doesn't it? for good or bad. and sometimes the superficial can be a nice distraction. you are blonde again, thanks to jessica. and your hair is finally long enough for a top knot. woo! you also just bought yourself hot fuchsia pants (whaaat?) but left the tags on until you can be really sure you can leave the house in them. baby steps. you also convinced jeff that cable was a necessity, and got it set up at your new apartment even though you be po'. (cable + bedtime = sanity) and hey, you started painting your finger nails black again, just like sophmore year of high school. so you can't be that old, hey-ooo!

this next year petra should start kindergarten, rilla will continue to test (test!) your patience, lars will grow from baby to boy, and jeff will dominate b-school. this is a particularly crazy time in your life. three small kids, supporting a husband at Harvard Business School, no family around ... but when else will life be so colorful, and your task so clear? 

hey chels, you are awesome. keep it up. 

xo, 
chelsea

what 28 looks like on you.
oh, and remember that top knot you wanted? ^ high five!

p.s. previous birthday letters can be found here, here, and here.

prerogative.

our new church building is quite large. not only is the building new to us, but it is newly built. it is multileveled with elevators and a parking garage. a parking garage! it took us three tries to find the right floor, with our chapel. I love that we are on the second floor and when I am changing my third diaper in two hours, I can see tree tops and the buildings of Cambridge.

I learned some things today, too. tucked a few seeds in my soil for further tending.


.....


this place is really growing on me. getting out of the apartment (which is coming together!) always reminds me of how blessed we are to be here. It speaks to me in a way I have never known, and every time I drive along the river, or walk across a bridge, or see a building erected in 1904, I thrill to my toes. and all I have to do to experience these things is step out of my front door.