seven & twenty

dear chelsea,


today you are twenty seven. or, as it translates in your head, thirty minus three. does that mean you can call yourself a woman now? you are still married, even if there is no wedding ring on your finger at the moment. it is put safely away thanks to puffy pregnant fingers because oh yah, you got knocked up this year too (surprise!) you are getting a boy this time though, and by golly if you don't just love him already. even if he does kick you day and night. you are growing your hair out, trying to get it long enough for a messy top knot. you want to be cool just that bad. your favorite past time is dinner and a movie in with jeff, which really says a lot about this stage of your life. you are getting good at saying "no" to things. or you could say, you are getting great at avoiding things you don't want to do. so either you are learning more about yourself and your limits, or avoiding  uncomfortable growth. you are not really sure which. either way you are calling more of your own shots. your girl-friends are coming in four weeks and you can hardly stand the wait. they still make you laugh harder than anyone else can. you still love a good book, a good show, and a good chat with a good friend. and a good text conversation with your b.f.f. nelly will always make your day. 


your past year was fairly even keel. it was a "shoulder to the wheel, push along" kind of year. a lot about mothering. about being a wife. seeing yourself as a matriarch. working hard to slowly improve. you have thought long and hard about your petra. she is so special, and so tender. when to help, and when to let her learn? you are just waiting to see what the worry will be for rilla. she wears her heart on her sleeve. she is easy to read, and is so willingly loved. motherhood is this ever changing beast. it makes you hurt. your hardest work is when you feel you know the least. it makes you swell and burst in the glow of it all. if you give it all of you it will destroy you. if you leave anything back, you will tear yourself apart. there may be nothing else to do but be incinerated, and be made something new. motherhood is only part of the woman, whole. you get that. but you can't help but fear that if you don't pull from every part of you, any failure would haunt you. in the midst of all this thought your days have been filled with the glorious mundane, and you are grateful for it. a chapter of sun. after last year, it was much welcomed. 


and then, there is jeff. oh, jeff. speaking of being a woman, whole, you are his wife. and you love it. you love him. this year you have started to see it is not the frantic love of your youth, but a deep even burn of a love. it carries an excitement all it's own. you are so happy together. you have worked for it, you both have earned it. he is more handsome with every passing year. you are powerless to fight it. but why would you? 


this coming year is one of change. a new baby, a possible move. plenty of preparation and adjusting. it is unsettling and exciting to you all at the same time. 


make yourself some cake. because if there is one benefit to being knocked-up, it is that no one is going to deny you cake. 

in all sincerity, 

chelsea 

entitled :: "maternal or what?"