thirty nine

 Hey.

Another year, another letter. 

You didn’t actually write last year, because you were in the midst of a super stellar months long depressive episode and you just … could not. The day just needed to pass. That’s okay. You’ve learned to let a lot of things be okay. With lots of therapy. How great is therapy? Life changing. Bless our therapist. No really. God bless our therapist. She calls you on your nonsense and makes you look hard at things and yet somehow still lifts you up and makes you feel so much better? She’s a wizard. 

Life in this phase is a dichotomy. It’s blurredly busy and at the same time can be so tiresomely boring. Over stimulating and numbingly mundane. You have realized, it’s a tough place to exist for you. People ask you “what are you up to these days?” and you freeze because- it’s everything. it’s nothing. Kids in various stages means a constant vigilance and a wide array of needs. But yet, their budding independence means you never know when to step in or step away. So you wait. And watch. And the moment you lose focus someone may fall down or need you and you may miss the mark. So you don’t. You don’t lose focus. You never stop watching. And worrying. And waiting. Keeping busy with busy work. The hamster wheel of dishes and meals and laundry and reminding children to brush their teeth. (Literally every night. How is it still a surprise?!) Always on call so you can be ready to assist for the bigger stunts. And the smaller pivots. If they want you. If they need you. But not too often, so they learn. Its confusing. It’s humbling.

Heavens, they really are so brilliant though. To study them shatters your heart. Each one a masterpiece worthy of hours of contemplation and joy and tears. It keeps you tethered. Where did they come from, these magnificent children of yours? They are more their own people every day and it’s both terrifying and thrilling. 

Learning that parent/child relationship and how it’s ever changing is expanding how you see your relationship with Heavenly Parents. I know, it’s a lot. Chill sometimes. 

Thirty nine is an odd age. This, them- has been your life, your whole life, for so long. So after this, then what? 

Talk to our therapist about it. 

love,

Chels 

ps

yah yes Jeff is still here, still the very best, still your favorite. too big, too much for a letter. walked you through it all. still does. he is our love.