just let me

I am part of an online writing workshop. This is my first submission for the first assignment, "time."

Time, to me, is like a pendulum. Most of the time I live in the moment of now. Where the pendulum is at its lowest point, heavy and working towards the next push of forward or backward. My head is down and I am taking it all in. Experiencing the day, imprinting it in my memory.

Then there are the moments where I am thrust into the future. There is a rush and suddenly I am experiencing all the stress and worry and excitement of what is to come. I take in the view from on high, when for a brief time I am suspended in the air, trying to see what will be. It is a breathless feeling, both exhilarating and terrifying, like the point of a roller coaster ride before you fall. Then I do and I am falling back into now and I am working and I am heavy and the day goes on.

Amidst the heaviness of the day something reminds me of what used to be and I am pulled backward into the past. Yanked up into a memory, and the feelings of a memory. There is pain there. Pain because of things that were hard to live, and pain because of things that were lived and now I miss. Pain too, because some things were lived and loved so much it burns to try and carry that much love. There is joy, too. Joy and laughter in the lighter things I can remember. The view from here is a kaleidoscope, always mixed and turning. The constantly moving view always gives me new perspective to bring back down to the working hours, changing how I live them.

Then I am living them again. Storing all those imprinted moments to view in the backswing, to project on the upswing. The sun rises and sets and I swing, back and forth. Just like the pendulum.

danger, watch yourself

Rilla quotes:


"I folded my arms but I WILL NOT close my eyes or bow my head!"


"you are SO RUDE!"


"mom, you are making me SO SAD. stop it." 


"the light is boring, the dark is nice." 


the last one should worry me a little bit, right?

here, you can be anything

My favorite part of the morning is opening up the curtains on all the windows. I don't really feel like I can breathe until I can let in the cloud-filtered, rain-soaked sunlight. Only then do I feel like the day has actually begun. There is always some surprise out there. Squirrels, sometimes snow, but most often it is skies that are slightly grey and leaky. 


This week I have started getting up an hour or two before the kids so I can get in a workout and a shower before the day gets hectic. I forgot how nice it is to not start the day running, instead getting to warm up on my own time. To pray in silence, instead of having to pray in the bathroom for privacy while little voices call out my name. Not to say that you can't pray anywhere, anytime, but sometimes I can't hear my own thoughts, let alone those given to me. 

firsticuffs

some firsts this week


-Yesterday I did my first "Power Pump" class at the Y, which was also my first group exercise class. It was embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as saying the name of the class out loud. Yesterday was also some major spring cleaning, including cleaning out the garage and mopping the whole floor for the first time since Lars was born. Note to self: Don't do Power Pump on the same day as spring cleaning. I can hardly walk today. 


-Lars had his first encounter with solid food. Brown rice cereal. He was skeptical at first, but now loves it. 




























-Rilla got her first stitches. Three, to be exact. She had a disagreement with gravity and it spitefully shoved her head against the corner of the wall. Jeff took her to the clinic and they had her fixed up in no time. They swaddled her arms to keep her still and she, speaking for her arms in a high pitched voice, kept saying things like "hey! it's dark in here! I can't move!" That's So Rilla. 
































-Petra used "HAHAHAHA" in a written text for the first time, as well as "/ " which she explained to me means "and." She's a winner. 





























-Lars cut his first tooth! There was minimal extra fussing, which I attributed to his immunizations this week. Poor kid. Shots and teething. Every mother has said it, probably anyone who has ever known a child has said it for that matter, but I will say it anyway: he is growing up so fast. 

-First time using this recipe. We put it on devil's food cupcakes (from the box) and called them Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes. The frosting is crazy good, even if ours look nothing like the picture. Every Sunday me and Petra watch Cupcake Wars and Petra tells me all about who is going to win, what ingredients she would pick, and what her cupcake bakery would be called. Today she called us the "Royal Rainbow Bakery." 

-I helped Lars play his first game of catch with daddy in our sunny backyard today. I told him to ignore Tinkerbell and her friends covering the ball, and kept repeating "ball, ball ball" to him over and over. Jeff plays catch with the girls all the time, but watching him play with his son got me a smidge teary. oh, boys. 




It was quite the eventful week, but some things never change. Like the fact that I love meeting my kids anew every time they grow up a little.