just let me

I am part of an online writing workshop. This is my first submission for the first assignment, "time."

Time, to me, is like a pendulum. Most of the time I live in the moment of now. Where the pendulum is at its lowest point, heavy and working towards the next push of forward or backward. My head is down and I am taking it all in. Experiencing the day, imprinting it in my memory.

Then there are the moments where I am thrust into the future. There is a rush and suddenly I am experiencing all the stress and worry and excitement of what is to come. I take in the view from on high, when for a brief time I am suspended in the air, trying to see what will be. It is a breathless feeling, both exhilarating and terrifying, like the point of a roller coaster ride before you fall. Then I do and I am falling back into now and I am working and I am heavy and the day goes on.

Amidst the heaviness of the day something reminds me of what used to be and I am pulled backward into the past. Yanked up into a memory, and the feelings of a memory. There is pain there. Pain because of things that were hard to live, and pain because of things that were lived and now I miss. Pain too, because some things were lived and loved so much it burns to try and carry that much love. There is joy, too. Joy and laughter in the lighter things I can remember. The view from here is a kaleidoscope, always mixed and turning. The constantly moving view always gives me new perspective to bring back down to the working hours, changing how I live them.

Then I am living them again. Storing all those imprinted moments to view in the backswing, to project on the upswing. The sun rises and sets and I swing, back and forth. Just like the pendulum.