my so called life

I took Lars to his nine month well check a couple of days ago. The timing of his appointment worked out with Jeff's class schedule so that I could leave the girls and just take Lars. (small perk of living on campus for b.school) I packed him up and walked to Harvard Square for his appointment.

Now, I am not sure exactly what I was expecting, but when you hear Harvard University Health Services ... you know. It's Harvard! What I was not expecting was to walk in to 1994. The office was decorated in thin plastic gold frames pictures and teddy bear picnic wall decals. Fluorescent lights. I got a variety of photo copied hand outs. Some from books. From books! They had Sesame Street stickers. (Have they not heard of Yo Gabba Gabba??) The doctor was an older lady with her hair in a banana clip, wearing cream tights with cream loafers and a calf length floral dress. It was kind of hilarious. Luckily, she actually seemed to know what she was talking about and she personally administered his flu shot. She was pretty quick with the needle too. And I appreciated that.

The walk alone with my boy was lovely, but the time travel was even better.

I was a little girl alone in my little world

rilla is a complicated individual. 

"I don't wanna go to preschool."

"I am so excited to go to preschool!"

she started preschool this week, a small class we put together on campus, and in a matter on moments, she went from an absolute refusal to go, to sheer bliss at the thought of being a preschool student with her friends. then on the walk over, she kicked off her shoes and sat on the ground and refused to go inside. then when I came to pick her up, the moment she caught a glimpse of my face she screamed, I mean screamed, "I WILL NOT GO HOME WITH YOU I WANT TO KEEP PLAYING!" 

she didn't speak to me for about five whole minutes after I made her leave. until I told her that she could go back on wednesday, and she then proceeded to tell me all about school and I was the best mommy ever. 

rilla as a thirteen year old is going to be really interesting. 

2(12+2)

dear chels,

hey, it's your birthday again! another year gone by. dude, this one was a doozy, wasn't it? you had a baby, packed up your life in washington, moved across the country, and started jeff in business school just this week. you are exhausted just thinking about it. having a third baby was kind of rough in itself. changing the ratio from 2:2 to 2:3 was difficult for you, not too mention those post-partum hormones combined with the nightmare that was trying to breastfeed. those six weeks felt like drowning in the ocean and barely making it to shore on your last breath. the only bright spot was that sweet lars-son. he  is so darling and sweet and always good for a smile. he was worth the fight, and you can't imagine your  family without him. no matter how crazy it (still) is.  

you made the move to boston just weeks ago, and you still miss your life in washington terribly. it took time, but you really learned to love it there and leaving it behind was sort of tough. you also miss a few dear friends something awful. just getting here was quite the task. moving across the country is as monumental as it seems. but upon arrival you realized that so many others made the same move you did, and are starting over like you, and you are really enjoying getting to know all these new, amazing people that surround you. it can be kind of intimidating, all these smart, educated people (you are at harvard) and sometimes it weighs you down. you still tend to compare yourself to others, even though you know better, and it can make you feel small. try not to let it get to you, and remember what jade said ... "own it!" 

...

there is something bothering you about this birthday, this number. it was a five days after her 28th birthday that your sister ashley died. and five days from now and every day after that will be another day you lived longer than she did. it is hard to fathom and it makes you really sad. all these changes are more things you never got to share with her. you don't want to get older than your big sister, experience more life than she did. it feels wrong. you love and miss her so. 

...

but life does go on, doesn't it? for good or bad. and sometimes the superficial can be a nice distraction. you are blonde again, thanks to jessica. and your hair is finally long enough for a top knot. woo! you also just bought yourself hot fuchsia pants (whaaat?) but left the tags on until you can be really sure you can leave the house in them. baby steps. you also convinced jeff that cable was a necessity, and got it set up at your new apartment even though you be po'. (cable + bedtime = sanity) and hey, you started painting your finger nails black again, just like sophmore year of high school. so you can't be that old, hey-ooo!

this next year petra should start kindergarten, rilla will continue to test (test!) your patience, lars will grow from baby to boy, and jeff will dominate b-school. this is a particularly crazy time in your life. three small kids, supporting a husband at Harvard Business School, no family around ... but when else will life be so colorful, and your task so clear? 

hey chels, you are awesome. keep it up. 

xo, 
chelsea

what 28 looks like on you.
oh, and remember that top knot you wanted? ^ high five!

p.s. previous birthday letters can be found here, here, and here.

prerogative.

our new church building is quite large. not only is the building new to us, but it is newly built. it is multileveled with elevators and a parking garage. a parking garage! it took us three tries to find the right floor, with our chapel. I love that we are on the second floor and when I am changing my third diaper in two hours, I can see tree tops and the buildings of Cambridge.

I learned some things today, too. tucked a few seeds in my soil for further tending.


.....


this place is really growing on me. getting out of the apartment (which is coming together!) always reminds me of how blessed we are to be here. It speaks to me in a way I have never known, and every time I drive along the river, or walk across a bridge, or see a building erected in 1904, I thrill to my toes. and all I have to do to experience these things is step out of my front door.

it's hard to dance

The business that is our life has been gaining momentum. There has been an onslaught of bills, appointments, paper work and general to-do's. Getting ready to move across the country, start b-school, and end all income is like a train rushing toward me. It keeps getting louder and brighter as it screams full steam ahead. I know it won't do me under, but it still makes my heart race and my head throb.  We have eight weeks left here and it kind of blows my mind. There is so much to do and so little time! I wish I had a little less to do and a little more time to spend with the people I am going to miss so much. 

petra, keepin' it real.

mother's day

despite the crazy day

despite the bargaining at meal time

despite the endless stream of mess

despite the fighting and name calling

I'd rather be their strugglin', to' up, stressed out mom,
 than anybody else in the world.


because they are brilliant


because their giggles are intoxicating


because they are miraculous


because they find new ways to see the world


and they think I am the greatest. 

your smile will change the world someday

Petra Stock, Nature Detective

A week of sunny days stringed together and the trees explode with leaves. It is strange to think that we will be long gone before this set of leaves changes and falls. It makes me a sad, with a fleeting sensation of thrilled. It is so completely bittersweet. 


Pita played Nature Detective this week, and labeled hand drawn pictures, in sparkly pink ink, in her notebook. She discovered a rock, a weed and a bug. Her inquisitive mind was frustrated by her discoveries though, and she expressed this by telling me that "everything [was] the same as last spring anyway." If only she knew how different she was.  

don't ever worry

Yesterday I read this after seeing it pop up a few times in my Facebook newsfeed. I really appreciate the idea of making sure my children know they matter, more than whatever is on my phone, more than anything, really.

Today I did a little better, they seemed a little brighter and we were a little happier.

my head and my heart

"petra. do you think mom loves you?" 

"yes." 

"are you sure?"

"yes. what's your favorite food?"

"indian food."

"so sure with indian food on top. super duper sure with indian food on top and your favorite fruit and favorite vegetable on top. zoopily doopily sure."

guess I am doing something right. 

just let me

I am part of an online writing workshop. This is my first submission for the first assignment, "time."

Time, to me, is like a pendulum. Most of the time I live in the moment of now. Where the pendulum is at its lowest point, heavy and working towards the next push of forward or backward. My head is down and I am taking it all in. Experiencing the day, imprinting it in my memory.

Then there are the moments where I am thrust into the future. There is a rush and suddenly I am experiencing all the stress and worry and excitement of what is to come. I take in the view from on high, when for a brief time I am suspended in the air, trying to see what will be. It is a breathless feeling, both exhilarating and terrifying, like the point of a roller coaster ride before you fall. Then I do and I am falling back into now and I am working and I am heavy and the day goes on.

Amidst the heaviness of the day something reminds me of what used to be and I am pulled backward into the past. Yanked up into a memory, and the feelings of a memory. There is pain there. Pain because of things that were hard to live, and pain because of things that were lived and now I miss. Pain too, because some things were lived and loved so much it burns to try and carry that much love. There is joy, too. Joy and laughter in the lighter things I can remember. The view from here is a kaleidoscope, always mixed and turning. The constantly moving view always gives me new perspective to bring back down to the working hours, changing how I live them.

Then I am living them again. Storing all those imprinted moments to view in the backswing, to project on the upswing. The sun rises and sets and I swing, back and forth. Just like the pendulum.

danger, watch yourself

Rilla quotes:


"I folded my arms but I WILL NOT close my eyes or bow my head!"


"you are SO RUDE!"


"mom, you are making me SO SAD. stop it." 


"the light is boring, the dark is nice." 


the last one should worry me a little bit, right?

here, you can be anything

My favorite part of the morning is opening up the curtains on all the windows. I don't really feel like I can breathe until I can let in the cloud-filtered, rain-soaked sunlight. Only then do I feel like the day has actually begun. There is always some surprise out there. Squirrels, sometimes snow, but most often it is skies that are slightly grey and leaky. 


This week I have started getting up an hour or two before the kids so I can get in a workout and a shower before the day gets hectic. I forgot how nice it is to not start the day running, instead getting to warm up on my own time. To pray in silence, instead of having to pray in the bathroom for privacy while little voices call out my name. Not to say that you can't pray anywhere, anytime, but sometimes I can't hear my own thoughts, let alone those given to me. 

firsticuffs

some firsts this week


-Yesterday I did my first "Power Pump" class at the Y, which was also my first group exercise class. It was embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as saying the name of the class out loud. Yesterday was also some major spring cleaning, including cleaning out the garage and mopping the whole floor for the first time since Lars was born. Note to self: Don't do Power Pump on the same day as spring cleaning. I can hardly walk today. 


-Lars had his first encounter with solid food. Brown rice cereal. He was skeptical at first, but now loves it. 




























-Rilla got her first stitches. Three, to be exact. She had a disagreement with gravity and it spitefully shoved her head against the corner of the wall. Jeff took her to the clinic and they had her fixed up in no time. They swaddled her arms to keep her still and she, speaking for her arms in a high pitched voice, kept saying things like "hey! it's dark in here! I can't move!" That's So Rilla. 
































-Petra used "HAHAHAHA" in a written text for the first time, as well as "/ " which she explained to me means "and." She's a winner. 





























-Lars cut his first tooth! There was minimal extra fussing, which I attributed to his immunizations this week. Poor kid. Shots and teething. Every mother has said it, probably anyone who has ever known a child has said it for that matter, but I will say it anyway: he is growing up so fast. 

-First time using this recipe. We put it on devil's food cupcakes (from the box) and called them Chocolate Covered Strawberry Cupcakes. The frosting is crazy good, even if ours look nothing like the picture. Every Sunday me and Petra watch Cupcake Wars and Petra tells me all about who is going to win, what ingredients she would pick, and what her cupcake bakery would be called. Today she called us the "Royal Rainbow Bakery." 

-I helped Lars play his first game of catch with daddy in our sunny backyard today. I told him to ignore Tinkerbell and her friends covering the ball, and kept repeating "ball, ball ball" to him over and over. Jeff plays catch with the girls all the time, but watching him play with his son got me a smidge teary. oh, boys. 




It was quite the eventful week, but some things never change. Like the fact that I love meeting my kids anew every time they grow up a little. 

hooray, hooray I'm your silver lining

Waiting for pita pie to get out of dance. I woke a just drifting to sleep Lars so I could drive the three minutes to take Petra to dance. (shakes fist at sky) At least I get to see Rilla play at the park in the rain. I'm ready for some sun around here, bit oh to think of leaving my northwest rain forever ... breaks my heart a little.

what are your weaknesses

emo look-away technique, or watching the neighbor kids run across my lawn? I'll never tell.

This was my friend-date night ensemble I wore to see the Hunger Games with my friend Emily. Over all I thought the movie was quite excellent, actually. Different than I had imagined in my head, but interpreted beautifully. I do not, however,  like how they cut out Madge giving her the Mockingjay pin. Unnecessary. And I really am still not sure Jennifer Lawrence would be my first choice for Katniss (she kinda had the same look on her face the entire movie.) But I still really, really enjoyed it. And let's be honest, any chance I get to go out with Em, eat pizza, talk shop, and eat movie snacks is going to be a pretty excellent time, regardless of the motion picture. 

Dreams, etc

Last night Jeff asked me what my dreams were. At first I thought. Then I said "I don't have any." Then after a little more thought I said "I dunno. To live long enough to see my kids grown. To be a size 10, that'd be dreamy. To have a whole 24 hours in a fancy hotel all alone, with room service and a chick flik and sleep. And silence." I thought some more. "A completely organized house."

I am not sure any of those things were what he meant, except maybe the first one.

Looks like I have some dreaming to do.

it's friday I'm in love

Friday's were made for playdates and pink ensembles.

if at first you don't succeed

Things I've noticed adding a third kid to our life:
-My standard for which I let myself be seen in public has seriously lowered. "No-shower-post-workout" lowered. Sleep is still the highest priority, precious far above rubies.
-The girls are taking full advantage of having a baby around to put their own ages in perspective. I overheard Petra explain "Rills, Lars is the baby, so you are a big girl and I am a teenager!"
-Functionality is slowly pushing fashion out of the picture entirely. Either boys are really less fun to dress than girls, or I am getting more lazy. Footsie pants or better yet, footsie Pjs, keep my baby warm and my diaper changes swift.
-My diaper bag/SUITCASE has become the size of five worlds. Accommodating three kids under five with diapers, snacks, bottles, water, entertainment, etc is ludicrous. You should see me trying to make my way down the hall at church. At just the heighth of a child's head, there have been casualties.
-I've found myself calling these days the best of times, the worst of times. We've been busy, and everyday is its own blend of chaos and monotony. A full house and a giant move on the horizon. But man, I am more in love with my kids than ever. We are a full on family now. A family! All this things shall be for our good. And at least on most days I laugh as much as I cry, right?

me trying to snap a pic of me and buddyguy, and mostly missing

I can hear the wind blow

We are going on a trip today, Jeff and I. That is, if our plane ever takes off. I am practicing my mobile blogging skills as we wait for something or other to be cleared so we can take off. We are headed to Cambridge, MA. You see, Jeff was accepted into Harvard Business School! He will be studying for his MBA. We will be moving our little family of five to Boston in the fall. We are going over to Harvard for Admitted Student Weekend to get the low down and check out some housing. I am beyond excited for this first glimpse into our future. And oh yeah, it's HARVARD! The history alone makes me swoon. Not too mention the fact that an episode of Gilmore Girls was filmed there. Add all this in with the fact that it is a trip with the hubs, all alone ... Oh baby. ( or rather, no baby)

I sure will miss these little faces though. Be good, you three.

ere go

Lars, the professor.

these days

larlos and the ballerilla
(i often find her where he is)

recently, when the girls ask me for/to do/about something for the twenty thousandth time in a day (noiamnotexaggerating) I started doing this thing where I talk in the lowest voice I can muster and say "MOMMY'S NOT HERE. I AM MR. MOMMY." it sends them in to a fit of giggles and it keeps me from losing my mind by adding a bit of silliness to my day. it is gross and obnoxious, but we like it anyway. 

and then there were five.

this post is crazy overdue. 


I had a baby. a baby boy. nearly four weeks ago. and lemmetellyah. having three kids may be is the hardest transition of my life thus far. hence it taking me four weeks to find a spare moment to announce his arrival. we are taking it one day hour around here. 


lars reed stock barreled his way into the world at 6:30 am december 7th weighing in at 9lbs 9oz. it was a long afternoon, evening, night, early morning of laboring and with no aid of medical pain management, I felt all 9lbs 9oz of this boy. it was hard and frightening and what felt like to me, the valley of the shadow of death. 


but then. 


but then they put him on my chest. and I again felt that wave of overwhelming love. and the veil was thin. and my heart was as warm as his little angel soft body. and I had a son. a son! and oh, it felt like it was always meant to be. and he looked like his father. and it is heaven on earth, as literal as I can mean. 


he is well loved, and the brightest spot in all this adjustment. 




:: the name ::


lars is jeff's great great grandfather on his father's side. he was from denmark. 


reed is my maiden name, and this is me naming him after all my brothers, and my father. men I so love and admire. when I found out he was a boy, it hit home with me that my girls would have a brother. and having such wonderful brothers myself, I was just so excited for them. 


and stock, of course, as his last name. his father's name. a good name.