and unto them

radio silence

petra's first drawing of our soon to be family. (see little brother on the left?) and wet december leaves.

 we are waiting. waiting waiting for baby brother to arrive. 

technically, I am not due until tomorrow. but I had myself completely convinced that he was coming early. thanksgiving weekend, absolutely. I chalked it up to mother's intuition. he was coming. thanksgiving weekend came and went. no baby. then monday, tuesday at the latest. no baby. it is now friday and well, apparently I have terrible instinct when it comes to this stuff. I have been preparing. I have cleaned the house top to bottom twice in seven days. I have been doing several mini loads of laundry so that it will all be done when the baby comes. ready for any moment. I haven't left dishes in the sink. I have been following the kids around picking up after them so we are always in the ready. all the while I have been having sporadic contractions, and an assortment of other pains and symptoms, of which I will spare you the details. but nothing sticks. 

I am exhausted. mentally, physically. really, I have been preparing for months. thinking and planning for months. and it is starting to catch up with me. 

but mostly, I am so ready to see his face. to smell his head. to put my finger in his tiny hand and recognize his movements in my arms as the ones from my belly. to give him a name and share him with my family. 

come on out little son. 

(today would be good, since you would share your uncle clark's birthday. that would be pretty cool, right? right?? I'm in, if you are.)

not in pig latin

something about the end of a pregnancy makes me daydream about new pretty things.  I make-believe a future where I can pull off any look I please, simply because I am no longer pregnant. 


and I wear things like


this


or these, in coral


or these*, in whiskey


or this, in tobacco 


and maybe, just maybe, even this


and these too.  


also, if I could just have zooey deschanel's entire wardrobe in "new girl" that would be lovely. 




*this link isn't working correctly. heels and wedges, second row, fourth over. second to none. 

in wild discussion

super cute dinosaur onesies my good and talented friend Julie made me

we are looking forward to the long weekend around these parts. we tackled the grocery store this morning and got all the goods we would need for the holiday fare. although I got a lot of funny looks ... perhaps they thought I was trying to smuggle a turkey under my sweatshirt? (iamquitelarge) a festive dinner with our good friends the Allreds is sounding like the perfect way to spend the day. low-key, fun, and delicious. plus Laura said I could utilize their couch for lounging, as I am prone to do these days. 


little son is low. I can feel his head in delicate places (toomuchinformation) and we (himandi) chat all day long about his impending arrival. I am feeling fairly ready, with just a few lingering things on my to-do lists. (ihavemultiplelists)  I can hardly wait to meet him, but I really would like to eat and rest over the weekend, spending oodles of time with jeff. (turkeystuffingpieandhubs) then really, he can come any ol' time and that would be fine by me. 

boo.

halloween '11; spooky witch and cinderella

I am a mixed bag of emotions these days. 

I can simultaneously be overwhelmed with the love and joy of my growing babe, and frustrated to tears with the pain and exhaustion of my heavy belly. 

I keep going back and forth between resigning myself to not being able to do it all, and que sera, sera, to feeling pressure and stress and panic about having a huge to-do list and the lack of energy and capability to complete it all. 

sometimes I can't wait to introduce the girls to their baby brother, and give jeff his son to hold. other times I am so afraid of adding a newborn to my brood of two small children. 

I am calm, peace-filled, and restful one moment, and I am irritated, nervous, and tired the next. 

and then I feel like crying because I am such a crazy person. 

I guess the bright side is, little son will come eventually, regardless of what I do. time goes on and situations change and that is the nature of things. 

hiccups

it is a blustery day. 

a cloudy, grey, cold, rainy, blustery day. 

and we are loving it. 

we all went to the baby doctor this morning. the whole family, all five of us. (five!) of course, one of us (little son) was in utero. baby looks great. his "heart beep" as petra calls it, sounds perfect. the doctor asked if I could feel him moving regularly, and at the same moment I could feel him shifting and stretching in my belly. "yes." I smiled. then we came home and watched the wind and rain strip the leaves off the trees in our back yard. and now little son has the hiccups.


for the moment, all is well. 


.......


my deepest thanks to veterans who fight and have fought for all to be well, in places all over the world. 

walk and fall

we like walks on crisp fall days around here. sunny afternoons that still have a chill are high up on my list of favorite things. as are fiery red leaves. of course, our walks are a lot shorter these days thanks to little-son-in-the-oven, but we still get out for quick walk-abouts now and then. 

oh and that belly shot of my brand new TOMS (love'em) is misleading. I can't actually see my feet just by looking down. I had to pull my belly way back to even see the tips of my toes. my view is pretty much eclipsed by the growing womb. the other day I had my pants on backwards for a full twenty minutes before I figured it out by catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror... 

self-indulgent

somewhere off the oregon coast

some thoughts for the moment.

:: it is easier for skinny people to find things to wear. it just is. this is the point of my pregnancy that I fantasize about real person clothes. and not dressing a series of orbs. (note, not pregnant I am still not thin. but still.)

:: I canceled my next doctors appointment just because I didn't feel like going. I feel empowered. 

:: hubs is super handsome. 

:: I have been hovering between sick and not sick for about three days now. I am convinced the only reason I haven't developed a full blown sinus infection is because of sheer will power and positive thinking. I will not miss my baby shower! 

:: people are very generous. and throw you baby showers even if it is your third baby. and buy your gifts. 

:: I need to be more generous.

:: a skill would be very nice. one that I could use to repay these generous people. maybe I could learn to knit. I love yarn. I want to make this. 

:: I feel ready to give birth, but very not ready to have a newborn. the first six weeks postpartum kind of terrify me. 

:: I have pregnancy brain. and pregnancy on the brain. I am constantly forgetting things, misspeaking, mixing things up. and my head sounds like this: me me pregnant me me heartburn me baby me hips hurt me nursery me to do list me me back pain me baby pregnant me. 

:: I should really be more generous. and selfless. 

:: little son. he moves so much. it is distracting and yet comforting. we can't wait to meet him. I bet he is deliciously cute. 

:: big bags of halloween candy are awesome. I love variety. 

if we could live twice in this one life

life is funny.




sometimes, some days, go my way. 


there is a lot to do, but today I could breathe a little. 


(metaphorically. physically I got winded just picking up a few toys. fail.)


((in my defense the toys were on the floor, and I am 8 months pregnant))


............


rills asked to be held today, and looked into my eyes and touched my cheeks. it was just what I needed. 
then she yelled "weeee!" and used my belly as a slide. 

gonna party like it's your birthday.

we gave petra a "tangled" theme birthday party this year.

I stole most (all) of my ideas from mandy, except not nearly as well executed as her party.  but hey, I am 8 months pregnant, and I am surprised I got even this much of a party put together!

I wish we got some better pictures... and even though I know it shouldn't matter, her hair in these pictures drives me crazy! she insisted on the tangled wig/braid thing we got from nana, but took it out two minutes before her party started. no time to fix the 'do. oh well. she is still an adorable rapunzel. 

welcome!

tangled crowns

freeze dance game to the music of "tangled"

hit flynn with a frying pan!

make a bracelet

gifts ... such generous friends

cake and icecream

gift bags amongst the magic golden flowers

we had lunch in there somewhere too. heart shaped sandwiches, jello boats, fruit and dip and a few other scrumptious things. everyone wanted to sit by petra, and it was just cute so see her be the life of the party. she tried hard to be a good hostess, and I was quite proud of the job she did. it was such a fun day!

five years ago

I had you. 

my petra.

my pita pudding pie.

you can be so serious and worrisome. 

and you can be so fun,

and tell a joke to get us all laughing. 

(you get that from your dad)

you are an amazing big sister. 

baby brother loves you already, if his kicks are any indication.

you are mischievous

and convinced rills to run from my camera this morning.

(giggling hysterically)

we are your biggest fans,

rills, especially.

(she follows your every move)

i love you so much. 

my pita petra pudding pie darling love. 

I think a lot about mothering petra. she is my first child. I worry about her being our "trial and error" of parenting. I learn a lot about myself being her mother. she can be so sensitive and fragile, sometimes I get so frustrated with it, but mostly she just breaks my heart.  it teaches me so much about making my love for others visible all the time, so that it is always the underlying current of my interactions. if she weren't my baby girl, how would I ever learn that? she can also be so strong, and determined. she is the best lesson I have to learn. she is so darling and sweet and unique and intelligent and thoughtful. and she is mine to watch over. 

adventures in preschooling

petra loved her first day, I think that is clear. 


but my favorite photo is the very last one, because she came out for pictures holding "elephant," the stuffed animal she has had since she was born. it is good to know that my baby girl is still in there somewhere. 

getcha hair did

before 

after

petra got a "turning five and starting a new preschool year" hair cut. It was also a "mom is tired of fighting over hair brushing every day" cut. It was supposed to be a more dramatic difference, but I kind of chickened out and only had the stylist take off a little. I just wasn't ready to let go of those curls after all. It didn't really occur to me just how little the change was until I saw the "after" photos. I had to laugh at myself, because it all really seemed so dramatic at the time ... 

I drown in mine

the wetlands. 

I think my nesting instinct has gone a little haywire. it seems to have spread beyond the organizing of the homestead, and has grown to include petra's upcoming birthday party, getting her ready for preschool, and even christmas. getting all these things done and ready feels like an emergency, when really, nothing is so serious. I just wish I had the actual energy to do all the things on my list. I think I subconsciously feel as though checking off the events that will be happening before son gets here will somehow get him here sooner. start preschool? check. petra's birthday? check. halloween? check. thanksgiving? check. due date? check! over-prepping for these events is not going to help this pregnancy go any faster. but yet, it is all giving me mad insomnia. that, and my restless legs, heartburn, hunger. and oh yah, the fact that our landlord decided to paint our house on the hottest weekend of the year and has had the windows taped over with newspaper for two days making it impossible to take advantage of the nightly breeze and drop in temperature. it is making me feel extremely claustrophobic. we rarely need air conditioning here, but it sure would be nice to have right now. 

bringing my spirits up is the creature comfort of headphones and itunes as I type this. I have been craving* dear and the headlights lately. specifically, this guy's voice. small steps, heavy hooves. it's gettin' easy. I have listened to it twice already. seriously, something about this guys singing voice that I just really, really enjoy and appreciate, and somehow even more so pregnant  at two a.m. with things on my mind. 

*cravings... going beyond the edible. 

sleep over the ocean

{ crystal pier CA summer 2006 }
{ please excuse the poor quality }

I am pretty convinced that pregnancy cravings go beyond food. I crave places nearly as much as I crave certain delicacies. like my mom's house, for instance. or this place, my happy place. crystal pier. it almost hurts, how badly I need to be there. I think it has a lot to do with way the air feels, the sounds, and yah know, the ocean. but probably it is the happy family memories. in my mind, our family got along best and loved each other more plainly there. maybe that isn't true, but it was on vacation that we only had each other as friends. many a family inside joke was born there. I really love it there and I can't wait to go back someday. in fact, I am pretty dead set on getting my whole family back there at least one more time in my life. (let's make it happen reeds.) it is pure magic. 


and I crave it. 

all things ordinary

yah yah, my post titles have been dominated by anniversary lyrics. it is one part the fact that it is the only grown up music I have listened to lately, one part that they have been stuck in my head since then, and two parts that I really like them. 

........................................

today has been a whole lot of hanging around while our landlord fixes a sundry of items around the house. it's a smidge awkward, and I am never sure what to do with myself or the girls. I should just get out of the house, but I think he prefers to have someone here.  and I guess there are worse things than having to hang about while someone else fixes everything. although, now that I think about it, he may just think I am a terribly lazy mother who doesn't take her kids out of the house all day long. oh dear. 

..........................................

petra and rilla got in to a fight over something this afternoon (shocker), and when in her eyes I "sided" with rilla, petra "ran away" to the back yard with a book. she couldn't have found a better way to "punish" me. I tried to take sneaky photos through the screen, because it was just so darn cute. 

hu-rumph.

no one understands me

this book is great, what was I upset about?

..........................................

rilla moments later, had forgotten all about the fight and was rummaging through sisters play-time remnants. she found a baby goldfish who she told me finds swimming in the rainbow really fun. 

who, me?

a hug for baby goldfish

a fish-kiss for baby brother

..........................................

today was the first day of school in these parts, and while today was so very unproductive, I couldn't help but feel a little glad that petra didn't start preschool for a couple of weeks, and we could be schedule-free just a little bit longer. I know she will love school, and I am so excited for her, but sometimes it is nice not having anywhere to go, or anywhere to be but with each other. fights and all.